Do you know what it feels like to have someone pretend to love u for a long time and suddenly snaps and decides to stop pretending? Do you know how it feels to want someone back and beg at the door, telling him not to leave only to have him ignore u and leaving u alone to shrivel up and die inside. That feeling of living in a world where everything is tainted by memories of him and all u want to do is just die and go to where death takes u, a place where there are no memories but sins and deeds. I wish I could run away now, right this second. I wish I could fast forward to the time Im done with this. They say if its meant to be theyll find a way of coming back to u. But what if time changes that? What if in that period of hiatus, someone else comes along or ur beliefs change and love suddenly is a nothing but a joke to u.
I have never been treated the way I did by a guy before. All I could think of was how disappointed my parents .. And I would be in myself for letting me fall this low. My pride was out the window as I desperately tried to have him back. But his words were sharp, his eyes were empty when he looked at me, no emotions came out but despise and disgust for me.
I know I deserve it. But no person deserves to carry what Im feeling right now. This guilt and blame he put on me for every single crap he had inflicted on him. I think, a person who blames others is a coward who doesnt know how to deal with his own mistakes. He cant even admit his own mistakes, let alone listen to me.
A few days ago he denied everything I said. From a-z. From the first few fights we had when we were together to the new mistakes he’s committed. And it made me feel absolutely … crazy. Literally. Like I was a mad person who’s imagining things. I felt like I was about to implode, go mental. Cuckoo. My brain was stuck between believing him and believing myself. Did i not see what I said I saw? Didnt he tell me this a while ago? Didnt he used to do that? Am I seeing things??? Noone has ever made me question myself. And when he did, I felt like breaking down emotionally. Desperate and scared, I turned to God. I said, please its not my time yet and please, not like this.
I just want him back.. Come back.
He was my best friend, my lover and my therapist. He was my partner in crime, my strength and my weakness. But he’s changed. And now he doesnt want me anymore. I am nothing to him.
He’s running away, fast, and to a place far far away.. and not turning back.
I suppose God wants me to be stronger. I suppose its time for me to stop leaning and start standing straight. Its time for me to use my potential and have greater things come my way. My only hope is that I can get over this and that I wont lose faith.
Cos right now I dont think I can ever forgive myself.
